found notes from 1993

---ochre--- (an experience)

On the tip of my finger
The world sat spinning like a ball
Balanced on an unseen rotation
I removed my finger and there it remained
My finger had no place to go...
Ten fingers...
Two hands...



--- mud --- (an exultation)

Feeling lost
un- fake
Not feeling



--- blue --- (an experiment)

Denial
Orphan
Abuse


--- salsa --- (a movement)

Geneology began today
Lying down... reaching into the view
Staring wide open forever
B-r-a-n-c-h-i-n-g


--- viscous --- (an exit)

Calm ideas seeping through
Organs resonating as thick strings
Velvet notes
Spheres on woven melodies

I'm on the cover of Wired Magazine !!!

Soooo, Thanks to Helen, I finally got on to the Wired Magazine cover!!! It came in the mail today. I don't even want to open the plastic cover it came in. This is so funny! I've been published! but not really... i hope someday it can be for something worthwhile and positive i contribute to society.




I'm realizing how i've totally neglected my little webpage. Things have been busy and stressful and tiring and fun. Aspen's really starting to show a very assertive personality and her eczema is getting a little better too. Can't believe she's already 10 months old.

vray is pretty good

I've always had a slight disdain for 3dmax for some reason... i think because of its clunkiness and awkward workflow... but having major parent companies and majority market share has its benefits for staying power. Although in my humble opinion, there are many other great renderers out there, vray plugin by chaos group has begun to sway me back into 3dmax's good side...

shiny kick-ass apps thanks to maximum pc - free but excellent

www.ccleaner.com - "a high colonic for windows xp"

www.portableapps.com - "PortableApps Suite 1.0" all apps run from your portable drive.... very cool if you want to have your bookmarks with you on any computer you use and then no trace when you unplug. Forget about U3 and Ceedo. This one is what those should be. and of course it's free.

www.torrify.com " fits on a usb or thumb drive...Torpark keeps the sites you visit from knowing who you are by running page requests through the Tor network" = anonymity--- a bit slower browsing but invisible.

Last.fm - "finally, intelligent internet radio"

http://gaim.sourceforge.net - "Taking over the IM world....better than Trilliam - it doesn't have those unnecessary features and just focuses on core functionality.

randy's comeback at age 43!

started to get a bit tired of UFC events being a bit thin but this last one was good.

"politics as usual"

I've been hearing that phrase a lot this year... "politics as usual" and i'm getting tired of it. I normally don't comment on politics and even though my ear has been turned to Barack Obama lately, my mind begins to see it all as another episode from a tv series. My wife and I have been watching the new season of "24" and finally got caught up on the previous 5 seasons thanks to those box sets. It's kind of uncanny how real life politics and entertainment here in the US can be blurred. Wouldn't it be strange to have a "David Palmer" type character in top office?

not so deep rambling

...once again, i've been "thinking"... i've been told in the past that, for my own good, I shouldn't "think" too much... But these are like mini-thoughts... the kind of things that each one of us might have peculiar inclinations to revisit between wiping our butts or while driving and waiting for the light to turn green.

I'm 100% certain my thoughts aren't original. But rather right in the thick of the smorgasborg of 30-something, suburbanites. Quickly generated in those "inbetween" times thinking about things that go away just as quickly. Thoughts that will forever be elusive and maybe even ideas that are handed down in the air... whether it be culturally via the web or other media, "spiritically" (synergized spiritual/genetics) by either our own soulful urges to connect to God or this Earth or passively soaking in the numerous Self-help or Be-saved televised church propaganda out there.... it all seems to happen without much effort for the masses. There are the ones that try to teach and others who agree to learn from them until it stops working for them and/or they find out it's just BS. Why are we in need of constant fixing? Why does everything in our lives take effort? Why are the things beyond food, shelter and sex any real things to fuss over anyways? Our minds and our human appetites are soooo desiring of stimulus and motivation. Well, i'm just tired of it all. I want a simpler life. Could this ever happen? Would psychologists classify me as delusional or having escapist fantasies?

I'm not blind to my blessings and I still have these thoughts. I assume it's normal? There is much to be thankful for and many things in life to enjoy. I am definately enjoying marriage and fatherhood. Life seems much more complete now. There are many wonderful deeds by genuine people. News of an old friend passing away recently, John Lee, reminded me of this fact. He spent much of his life being good to others. I definately remember him in a completely favorable light. My guess is that it wouldn't of been possible without his faith in God. But what about the others? My hunch about life is that we all need something to go after. We all need something to follow. Goals. If we choose not to, we become a big potato. What happens when our goals are to get to a place in life that is more simple and more plain vanilla? Is that an impossible goal? Can an entire family deliberately, successfully and for the long haul, transform and move from a comfortable, upper middle class existance to a much less prominent and rural existance? Part of me says that I should have an innate deference to what might be considered impossibly futile. I wonder why I have always had such a longing to get back to a simpler way of life, to move to a smaller town and to just work a simple job? Perhaps I'll not find out unless things change.

Looking back to my days spent in Ridgecrest, they were sincerely great and meaningful. It definately opened a pathway in my heart to keep searching. I think it was less the location and weather as it was the culture and my perceived notion of how others went about life there. I mean, of course, everyone wants nice things, friends, job etc... but it was different there. It didn't seem to matter much if you were a doctor or worked at fast food... and if you got a cool new toy or car, others would be excited and happy for you but it wouldn't motivate them to go and try and get a bigger toy or car... the main thing was just hanging out and/or just doing your own thing and to have time to have your own thoughts and own place to do with as you pleased... none of this community association BS and constant message of needing more shit.

This is hardly a coherent rambling for sure.... i used to think and adopt the mindset of an "artist" and that to be subversive in nature was the core of my identity. I think that kind of thinking exists for the artist's entertainment... nobody else really cares. Not really. I have so litte time or energy to devote to saving the world, i just want to have time and energy to be a kid again or to play with my kid and not be so cranked up that I get annoyed at a sweet little childs cry for my affection.

I am no longer a peacock needing to show his feathers. Today, i'm just fine rambling about things on my own little place on the web. This has become my home away from home. Or is it just my mind that has become my home? These thoughts seem to be independent of my mood-de-jour. Doesn't seem to matter. when i'm happy or sad, tired or energized, silly or serious... thoughts of Life, of our chosen datum, of daily motivations and mundane diaper changes... There's this audio recording of Salvador Dali saying, "I do not like complications, I am a simple man..." I find myself saying the same thing often.